Tick Tock…

Published August 18, 2013 by Sparkle & W(h)ine

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Is today a new day? Is a new hour actually at hand? Seconds tick by on the clock of human existence and I wait, still hesitant to believe that a change would ever come.

A standstill has been in effect. A time warp has presided over life and love for what has seemed like centuries…or has it been minutes? No. Time has halted in an effort to thwart the loss of any further tears in the form of love blood lost in the heat of a heart’s battle. Time stopped for me because I became jaded. It stopped because I was lost. How can one go on looking when one knows the consequences of heartache? Of murderous slaughter of one’s former understanding of “love”? How?
But…well…I digress.
So, has time now begun to move forward again? I am afraid to feel the merry-go-round begin to spin in its ever forward, mild and perpetual motion. I fear the haunting noise of the childish, happy music and the laughter, feigning joy and bubbling sanguine spirit as the ride speeds slowly upon its course to full speed. And yet the most gentle and benign of all excursions is like a death-defying roller coaster of doom to my pitiable countenance. Who will calm my hysteria? How can my panic be allayed?
Whispering winds float between the whimsical horses: “Sois Courageuse”. There is only one way. Only one source has the influence to overcome past wrongdoing and defy fear itself. “Sois Courageuse” “Be Brave” The horses in their painted costumes prance merrily around the circuit and I feel a childish amusement returning as I watch. Standing, carefully but feeling just the beginning of a carefree skip, only the rider can choose the mount. Is today really a new day? Is a new hour truly at hand? Where is the clock? How does one know?…

Guilt Trips: Free Tickets Available

Published January 26, 2013 by Sparkle & W(h)ine

About a week ago, I was standing in a local store with my mom and she’s talking to me about my boys, my three, thriving, growing, smart, amazing boys.  She says to me, out of the blue, “You need to start looking for…”  “STOP, Mom.  No, I don’t.”, I say.  Because I could already tell where she was going with this.  But she could not take the hint and I was already beginning to turn red.  This is always the way the conversation has to go for her.  “You are depriving them of…(and I stopped her again because I’m familiar with the pattern but I’ll finish it for you…’positive male role model’).  “No, Mama.  I’m not.  They have him.”  And I point to my step-dad who was walking with us and who lives one block away from me.  My boys have someone who comes to my rescue when my house is broken into.  They have someone who comes immediately when they are in the E.R.  They still see someone who comes over to help me fix things that are broken at my house if it’s something that I haven’t learned how to fix yet.  And they do still have a Dad who goes to their soccer games, who hugs them and who tells them that he loves them when they’re at his house.  We just don’t all happen to live together as a big happy family anymore.  Besides all of that, I just so happen to have learned to be a pretty good XBOX fixer, I can change out broken toilet parts myself, fix leaky sinks, change tires and do many other boy things that quite a few moms haven’t had the joy of learning.  

What an insult to say that I’m depriving them because I’m not out “looking” for a replacement dad.  First of all, I would never.  Second of all, WHA???   If I have learned one thing, one very important thing, from being married, divorced and single again, it is that I don’t NEED someone.  I remember thinking that life was all about finding someone to complete you.  As it turns out, I am the only one who can complete me.  I just had to figure out what all my pieces were and where to put them.  I’ve learned so much (and still am) about who I am and what I’m all about that I know now that it was silly for me to ever think or expect someone else to be able to fill up the holes that I, myself, didn’t even have the pieces for.  I had to wait to understand the gaps myself and am much better equipped now to be a better, more whole person than I was when I was waiting around for someone to “complete me”.  

Right now I am truly not looking for anyone.  I don’t even know that I’m really capable of a deep trust with people anymore anyway.  I care about people but I’ve come to understand that people will always let you down and that we just love them anyway, faults and all, because we’re all made that way.  We can’t even help it.  So, just don’t tell me to be on the lookout and don’t send me out looking, okay?  I’m good.  Image

But I like my head in the sand…what???

Published May 22, 2012 by Sparkle & W(h)ine

Have you ever found yourself wanting to just drop away from reality for awhile?  Things get complicated or overwhelming or even downright frightening and you just want to disappear from that part of life while finding a tiny season of blissful forgetfulness and enjoyment?  Oh, brother, I have.

I love my children and, overall, my life, with wild abandon.  We deal with trying times (after all, I have a teen and preteen now) and difficult days  but, through it all, they are mine, this life is mine, and I will never cease seeking the answers to why it didn’t go a certain way or how it is “supposed to go” from this point forward.  I know there are times that I have done it all wrong.  Am I doing it right, now?  This is not purposed by self-denigration but, rather, by a yearning for self-discovery.  I think that, overall in my life, I have typically been in such a rush to be happy that I have taken enjoyable moments and made lifelong decisions based on temporary enchantment.  At some point, I look back at said resolutions (and revolutions) and think….”why didn’t I just slow down and try a little objectivity before that one?”  I can actually often look back and remember hearing a little voice inside my head saying “This is probably not the best decision but, well, you’re happy right now.  You can figure out how to be happy again after this happy wears off…”  Ugh.  I’m disgusted with the asinine absurdity of that whole idea.  Most euphoria is temporary but it’s circumstances can take much longer to be relinquished than originally embarked upon.

Take marriage for example.  A happy “honeymoon” period is like the teasing and tantalizing effect of a drug.  Exhilaration, euphoria, optimism, mirth and enchantment are your companion emotions at the start.  At some point after that, however, the desire to run away will surface.  Somewhere along the path to longevity, I think we all find ourselves in a spot saying…”what did I get myself into and how can I get out?”  Now, I’m not saying that everyone should get out at that point.  This is just the moment of truth at which you make a decision to stand and fight for it and for a better understanding of how it should work, sit and cower under the feelings of self-pity and self-loathing, or jump ship and run like hell to the nearest exit sign as the fire licks at your heels.  The “drug” wears off and the low kicks in.  Or the hangover.  And this doesn’t have to be about marriage.  Pick your own analogy and insert here: ________.

I think I often want to spend too much of my time with my head in the sand.  I mean, ostriches are kind of cool birds.  Granted, they have the mental capability of a toddler in a peek-a-boo routine (if I can’t see you, you can’t see me) but they are still regal in their own way.  Or if I take a deep breath once in awhile and plunge my head beneath the water, it is quieter there.  The sunlight glitters across the bottom of the cerulean pool, chaotic noise is dramatically muffled and the weightless feel of the gentle rock of the water is calming.  If I didn’t need to breathe, I could live there…well, except that divas don’t actually like to get all pruny.  But we can choose to take a break from reality sometimes.  The “I need to run!” urge can be settled a little as long as the break is temporary and is not a way to avoid truths.

So, how does one decide whether the current longitude and latitude of life is the vacation spot or the permanent homestead?  I need to learn a long-sought ability to step back from a situation and to veritably see some kind of truth in it.  Is the run-and-hide instinct just a product of my miserable failings prior to this intersection of life or is it a visceral instinct, animalistic and primal in nature but necessary for survival?

(((sigh))) Just new…well, maybe not so new but resurfaced…points to ponder for the day…and night, as it would seem.  Somehow it feels as if a fairy princess dress and tiara with some rockin’ high kicks (sparkly ones, of course) should just fix things.  Diva dreams…

Journeying to Self-Discovery: Being happy even if others try to prevent it…

Published April 29, 2012 by Sparkle & W(h)ine

Oh, to understand the purpose of some of the trappings of this life. This entire year, thus far, has been a whirlwind of chaotic interruptions to what I only want to become a peaceful existence. One thing I have begun to realize, through all of the disaster-overthrown days that seem to be plaguing me is this cliche’-type platitude that is suddenly making the sense of an unexpected epiphany: You can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people, some of the time, some of the people all of the time BUT you cannot please all of the people all of the time. Right now, I want to be pleased with me, whether everyone else is or not.

I have always been a “people pleaser”. When I was married, I didn’t like to make waves. I wanted peace, even if that peace was at my expense all of the time. If it meant that, in order to keep harmony, I had to ignore things that hurt me and pretend I was happy, that is exactly what I did. I didn’t want my children to live through unhappiness and strife. I didn’t want them to have to survive a divorce. I didn’t want to have to survive a divorce. I kept the peace by backing down. One day, I learned that my kids were surviving a terrible marriage and that two peaceful homes, albeit separate, rather than one home with quiet tension that could be cut with a cheese knife might be less stressful for them.

As I went through my divorce, I wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible so that the kids didn’t have to deal with the fighting. I didn’t want to fight. I hate confrontation. So I did not fight. I gave into everything except the custody of my children and he could have anything else in the world that he wanted. That included the fact that he pays no child support at all. I decided that I can raise my children myself and that one day they’ll know I worked hard to be able to provide for them. I know there are those of you who will feel like this was the cowardly thing to do and that I should have fought FOR my children by making him pay (monetarily and for everything I had been through in my marriage). I still believe, knowing the way that he speaks around my children and the way he likes their sympathy, that the kids would have suffered more if he had to suffer more. He’s happy, they’re happy and I am capable of being what they need, even if it doesn’t mean that we’re rich or affluent. I still do not regret that decision because I truly feel that they would have been “punished” for my pushing these issues, no matter how much I tried to shield them from verbal and emotional harm. I know this because that was the basis of my entire marriage.

Today, I am realizing that I no longer want to please everyone. I mean, don’t get me wrong…it does bother me when people don’t like me. That being said, I have learned to look at WHY they don’t like me and ask myself “Is that something that I am willing to change about myself? Do I like that part of who I am or is that a fault I need to work on?” When my answer is that I am perfectly happy with whatever behavior or attitude or verbal exchange that seems to have made the person in question unhappy with me, I can say…”This is who I am and I’m content with that. What they don’t like is their problem; it is not mine.” This is not something that I have ever found myself able to do before. It actually surprises me to have this thought process. What surprises me even more is that being able to do this is not out of bitterness. I don’t have an attitude that says “Whatever. I’m sick of trying to please people. Screw ’em.” Rather, I have a disposition that says “I am going to learn to be happy with who I am. If I am proud of who I am and how I react to circumstances, I am going to be happy with me and others, if they are worthy of my time, will be happy with me as well.” Do you know why this is so? Because there are people who will be jealous or have different opinions or will have been raised differently with converse morals to those in which I was raised. Those people may not agree with me all of the time. They may not even like me. I am okay with that. I am going to strive to be happy with me.

Now, I still regularly make mistakes with which I am NOT happy. I react too quickly to a stressful situation, with my children, for example, and allow anger to overcome good judgement. With my current outlook, however, I find myself quickly assessing my behavior and, when I decide I do not like my own response to the situation, I am able to expediently stop, take a deep breath, and then readdress with a more calm and worthy approach. Being able to redirect appropriately may mean walking away from the scene, rethinking my plan of action for a few minutes before returning and THEN starting over, but I am able to find the person I meant to be in the first place and the one I hope I am the next time something similar occurs. I am also quick to apologize to my children or others involved and let them know that I am not pleased with how I handled the event as well as that I will attempt to learn from it.

Okay, so, in deciding not to please everyone (some of them not even some of the time), I am seriously analyzing who it is that I want to be and how I want others to see me. When I say that latter piece, I actually do not mean that I want them to see me as someone they like. I mean that I am trying to be objective about how I appear on the outside (not physically but just as a human being, in general) and whether I’m happy with that. When someone else looks at me, am I able to be “proud” of the person that they see (whether they like what they see or not…this may be sounding confusing…)? What kind of legacy am I leaving, if you will. I am someone who loves her children with every fiber of her being. However, when I’m in the grocery store and they are all three grating on my nerves, for whatever reason or whichever antics they are displaying, I am likely to address them by saying “HEY! I’M GONNA BEAT YOU IF YOU DON’T STOP ACTING LIKE A BUNCH OF HOOLIGANS! CHILL OUT!!!” Now, some people may hear that and (self-righteously) think, “Man, she’s a mean mom.” or “Oh, my! Listen to how she just yelled at those poor little dears.” Anyone who actually has children, loves them and occasionally loses it (I believe that’s most of us.) will hear it, perhaps giggle, think to themselves, “Yep, been there, done that. She’s having a rough day.” and maybe even think “Way to get them back in line, lady.” If they DON’T feel that way, I still know this: my children know they are not going to actually be beaten, they know that this means I am nearing the end of my rope with them, however, and they also know, based on all of my OTHER motherhood behavior which strangers or friends may not always see, that I LOVE THEM and would do ANYTHING for them. They know I have sat up all night for weeks at a time by a hospital bed, never leaving except to pee, as one or another of them was sick. They know that I have hostessed slumber parties with a houseful of ten children and made pounds of pancakes, created and played tons of games, allowed silly messes just because it was fun and found ways to make sure every kid had a good time. They know I have let them sleep in my bed and have picked them up in the middle of the night from someone else’s house, even after I had been asleep, because they were afraid or upset and wanted to come home. My children know the sacrifices I make for them and the things that I do just because I love them more than my own life, itself. If they know this, why on earth would I care what anyone else thinks about this?

At work, I am good at what I do. Occasionally someone does not like the way I handle a situation because it is not the way THEY would maneuver given the same occurrence. I think about how I dealt with it, whether there is a reason that it is not the “right” way to go about it or if a difference of opinion is the real problem. I am using that methodology to decide how to go on from there. Most of the time I am happy with the way perform my career objectives and have no desire to worry another minute about what that other person’s “problem is”. LOL. I am happy just feeling like I am doing the right thing.

Are you at this point yet? People have told me before to worry about me, be happy with who I am and let others worry about whether they’re happy or not. I am responsible only for my happiness and not that of anyone else (except my children, of course). Until I reached this latest, slow-dawning epiphany, however, I was not ready to understand what I had been advised. If you’re not here, you will be saying “easier said than done…you’re not like me”, in your head. I’m here to tell you that, be it age or wisdom, you will get here one day. If you are here, you understand what I am saying. Pipe up and let me know where you are in your own journey.

Winds of Change

Published April 5, 2012 by Sparkle & W(h)ine

ImageEver feel like life is a swirling, raging, danger-filled tornado, launching itself ever in your direction no matter how you run and dodge to get away?  I’m having one of those….years.  From the last week of 2011 up to today, my life seems to have remained in turmoil.  There have, indeed, been good days but those have been fleeting and few.  I feel that I can’t seem to plant my feet on any kind of solid ground as the dirt rumbles and shifts beneath my poorly-balanced posture.  

On a positive note, my children are well and there have been times in our drama-laden lives that each of them were in jeopardy.  I am often able to diminish the seemingly overwhelming circumstances of my current haphazard existence by reminding myself that the most valued and treasured blessings in my life are all healthy and happy right now.  As easy as it is to say “it could always be worse”, however, I am human and it is a challenge to overcome the weight that crushes the air from your lungs when it seems to never release for long enough to take a clean breath.  I feel like I have been verklempt and overwhelmed for the last three months, at least.

I turn to close friends but, when I say close, I mean emotionally.  Several of my most trusted confidants are actually far, far away in the respect of physical distance.  I love them no less than if they lived across the street (although, what I wouldn’t do to be able to sit and share a glass of wine while commiserating with them).  Other close friends, to whom I live closer, have lives, families, circumstances of their own to which they must tend.  Again, they are no less friends but sometimes life makes each of us unavailable in dark times due to responsibility.

I also feel like people must get incredibly tired of my drama.  Truly, I would love to live a life with much less drama.  Although I like a good play, movie or musical as much as the next diva, I am tired of employing so many soap-operatic plot lines in my own life.  My life is one of those stories that, no matter the depth of imagination, no one would just make up.  I think a screenplay writer would look at the events of my story and say “No one will ever believe that all of these things revolve around the life of one person.  No one has that much bad luck.”  And yet…luck?  No, I don’t think so.  I just never seem to learn the lesson that is being presented.  You’ve heard the saying?  If you don’t learn the lesson, it will continue to be presented, with increasing devastation, until you do?  Well, for goodness sake…I’m all ears!  Devastation be damned!

So, where to begin again?  I recently said that I thought my new beginning was here.  I actually said to some friends that I thought I could smell the spring-fresh breeze of positive changes, gently blowing the winter-dried leaves from my life.  I think that was only, perhaps, two weeks ago and yet, little did I know, another lightning bolt of stark reality was already growing steadily in power, gaining kilowatts of energy with the intention of striking boldly and igniting another series of uncontrollable events that would bring me to my knees yet again.  I want a fresh start but does one ever really get that?  Is it possible to stand, take a deep breath, put one foot in front of the other and believe, truly believe, that an opportunity for walking, free of obstacles and impossible threats, does actually exist?  

This new mountain to climb feels staggeringly overwhelming at the moment.  One way or another, I will overcome the dread, fear and guilt (warranted or not) that has accompanied this struggle in my life.  I sit here today attempting to plan a revolution upon the successful completion of this stifling journey.  I am strategizing a civil war of sorts that I intend to wage against the melodrama that has become my life.  A vicissitude is in order, and well overdue for me, so I resolve to learn a way to accomplish the turnaround.  This would certainly be less complicated (and, truthfully, would have occurred prior to now) if I had any idea where to start the spin but not trying is not an option.  

Blow winds blow…I’m adding steel beams to my foundation and planning fire-retardant exteriors.  Even with the wolf at my door, there is no chance you will blow me down.  And that’s that.

 

Someday My Prince Will Come

Published March 31, 2012 by Sparkle & W(h)ine

Someday...“Hey…that guy over there…he’s checking you out…”  “Me?  How do you know he’s not checking you out?”  “Well, he just looks like he’s more your type.”  “Uh…okay…why couldn’t he be YOUR type?  What is wrong with him that he’s not your type, then, huh?”  “Geez…forget it.  He wasn’t looking at you.  He was probably checking me out.”  “Really?  Do you think so?  Well, is there some reason he wouldn’t have been looking at me?  Do you think these are Mom jeans?  I look too old, don’t I?  Is there toilet paper stuck to my shoe?…”

Why on earth can’t I just be normal?  Or, is this what normal is all about?  Is neurotic actually normal and everyone just thinks abnormal people are actually neurotic?

I am failing miserably at figuring out how to re-enter the atmosphere of dating.  Frankly, it terrifies me.  In high school, I had one boyfriend at a time (never “dating” as much as “going together”) and then met my ex-hasbeen at the tender age of 17.  I married him at 23 and then, well, the rest is history.  After divorce, I spent an entire year alone in my house, just waiting for my children to call saying they wanted to come back home from their Dad’s…and they often did.  I dedicated my life to my job (ugh), my children and my pathetic hobby of wallowing in self-pity.  This year, although a time of insight into the “supposed to be” of my life, was a pit of hell.  It was time to move on.

I then spent two years in an impossible relationship.  No big details here but suffice it to say that long distance relationships do not ultimately work when there is no reasonable hope to close the distance.  Love does not conquer all.  Love is actually depressing when it has no foreseeable future.  Meh.

Recently, a friend suggested I meet another friend.  Enter the “Facebook Friend Suggestion” and flirty instant messaging.  You know, I am much more verbose and witty in typeface than in face to face combat…I mean, conversation.  In real life, in emotional situations, I can be rather taciturn.  It would appear that the same is true for others sometimes.  Actually, no, this guy pulled out all the stops when it came to manners (opening car doors, pulling out chairs), flattery and literary quotes.  I was quite stuck between “this cannot be real” and “oh, my goodness…what if this is real?”.  Alas, I allowed myself to fall into the slippery slope of the latter belief and then, within three weeks, Romance Man turned into Stalker-Pushy-We-Should-Get-Married guy.  No, I’m not kidding…three weeks.  Gah!

And so, where does a girl like me find myself now?  In the middle of a gargantuan mud puddle of mistrust and disillusionment.  Love is not transparent; you cannot tell if it’s real or not, right off.  Love is not fair; if you actually find it, it may be impossibly rooted in soil in which you cannot be planted and flourish.  Love is not a promise of forever and of rocking in a porch swing with gray hair, holding hands with someone you share grandchildren with.  Love is maybe…just not.

And what does a fairy tale believing girl do with all of this information?  She puts on her high heels, pins her tiara snugly to her crown of curls, lines & shines her lips then kisses a napkin…and walks right back out into this world looking for the one and only Mr. Right.  You see, I refuse to be permanently disenchanted.  Someday, my prince will come…goodbye, froggies…

Where Am I & Who Took My Life?

Published March 31, 2012 by Sparkle & W(h)ine

Now, where is it?Today I am struggling with the everyday living thing.  You know the thing.  It’s the part where you look around you and, although seeing beautiful areas of tremendous value (children, house to live in, car, ability to earn an income, extended family, fantastic friends) you still wonder how you ended up in this place, this particular reality.  And now, after listing all of my wonderful things above ^, I realized that there is one specific area that I must be pondering and wrestling with.  Funny how writing pulls the truth out from behind the curtain.

I remember being 22 years old and thinking, “This is ridiculous.  I want to have babies and I’m not even married.  I am running out of time.  I have got to get the ball rolling here.”  Now what’s ridiculous?  I’ll tell you what.  Ridiculous thing number one is that I thought I was running out of time when I was 22.  I had a plan.  I wanted to have all of my children (2-3) by the time I was 30 and be a young, fun mom.  Notice that no mention of career is made.  I do enjoy the work I have chosen and I believe God led me to my profession for a reason but I also know that, given the choice, I would have remained a stay-at-home-mom and been on every PTA, coached soccer every year, volunteered at every school and read stories in classrooms all while baking fresh cookies and fun, kid-oriented dinners.  The only job I ever remember growing up wanting to have was being a mommy.  Now, there are those of you who will understand this and, most definitely, those of you who think they would go crazy with that.  I respect both.

Ridiculous thing number two is that I am now pushing 40 (oh, how it hurts to type that), still want another baby and still feel my time slipping away.  And am unmarried again.  Another baby may never be an option for me and I come to terms with that (and then lose perspective again) on a regular basis.  I do struggle with what raising a child in your 40’s-60’s would mean versus what it has meant in my 20’s to 40’s.  I do not mean any disrespect to anyone reading this who is or has had their children at this time of their lives; it’s just a different concept for me and I’m sure would change my parenting to some degree.  Please do not take offense.

So this all leads to the realization that, although my heart still wants to carry another child underneath and my arms still want to hold another sweet, nursing baby, that may not be in the “cards” for me.  It may just be a yearning I carry forever.  Oddly enough, even as difficult as my pregnancies were (a 7 week hospital stay with one for placenta previa, a premature rupture of membranes with one at only 34 weeks and an emergency C-Section for a cord emergency with the last), I loved being pregnant, loved nursing my babies and loved every minute raising them up to even this moment.  There have been hard times and frustrations, sure.  I joke about how “boys are gross” or how they’re driving me crazy, like I think many people do, but I wouldn’t trade one second of any time I’ve ever had with them for all the money in the world.  They own my heart and carry it around with them wherever they go.  And I would do it all over again with a new one…crazy as some may think that would seem at my age.

All of that being said, I will not rush into the fray of scouting out relationship possibilities, in all of it’s danger, pitfalls, vicious weaponry, dragon-filled moats and flaming arrows and warning flares, to scurry irresponsibly and headlong into the possibly misleading comfort of a newfound castle.  I am a spontaneous girl and love the fun of an unplanned adventure but have also learned to be a wary one as it comes to potential love relationships.  I have three incredible boys to whom I owe my responsibility and my ultimate level of caution and protection.  I won’t thrust them into something that I, myself, am not doubly sure of…well, as sure as one can be of anything at all in this life.  And I also won’t commit myself, in front of God and everyone, to a relationship that I don’t feel like I know has an abiding, perpetual capability to succeed.  I did truly think that my first marriage had that quality and tried for a long time to turn it around but there are some life cycles that just don’t turn at the same speed of rotation, thus allowing two to be in the same stratum for a time but then cycling in such a way that they never reach the same point at the same time again.  You also cannot change other people.  They have to find that themselves, no matter how hard you pray or how much you want to make it happen.  If it ever happens, it will be on their terms and in their time, not in your own.

So where am I?  At 22, I envisioned where my life should go and what I would do with it.  I have my three beautiful boys, although I was 31 when the last came along. 🙂 Where did this new longing come from that was not in the original plan?  Who replaced my first intentions with this new proposal?  If I was born to be a Mommy and being a nurse is just my secondary assignment as an answer to the need for income, what will I be when these babies are gone?  Who will be with me or will I then walk this path alone, still searching for some unreachable solitary “goal”?  I have friends and family who love me.  I have people who would give the roof over their head to cover the heads of myself and my boys.  I have people to turn to when I am sad, lonely, lost or broken.  And I am still an absurd distinction of broken, giving yet another reason that a male-female relationship would only flounder and fail until I figure myself out.  So, why do I feel the need to have that?  I have my people.  What is this level of altered reality in which I live that assumes I must have someone else in order to be a whole me?  Why must I feel like half when there is no missing piece to fill in the other side?

And so I struggle.  A very close friend, whom I dearly love, said to me, ” A sense of purpose is a big deal for us humans. But I wonder if sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves to ‘figure that out’. Maybe it isn’t actually that clear. Or even something tangible that you will be able to know about.  Maybe we just have to have faith. Faith that we are here for a reason, even if we never know it for ourselves. Having too rigid a purpose (i.e. I’m here to be a mom, I’m here to help people) doesn’t allow for a whole lot of flexibility or for you to have different sides to yourself.”  Oh, my dear T, you are a wise woman.  Maybe we’re not supposed to “fix” ourselves but wait for the days of our lives to fix us…and, of course, I don’t mean the soap opera.  Clearly, if one is standing on a pinpoint of a flat map, our overall position in the grand cartograph is invisible to ourselves, and even those standing close to us, due to it’s magnitude.  The “big picture” is an elusive Dumbo’s feather being whisked away by the wind each time we think we are just about to grab hold of it’s confidence-infusing magic.

Oh, to be an eye in the sky so I would know…where am I?